2nd Post

My first post was a brief introduction - a 'previously on My Battle' if you like.

Today, Thursday 05/05/11 has been another day of confusion, worry and (to be perfectly honest) desperation. I woke up to my girlfriends alarm clock - a peculiar mobile phone alarm tune - I hugged her and felt happy. That brief moment when I wake each morning is one of the few times I still enjoy, when I feel like myself, my old self. But then it hits me...reality. Thoughts race through my mind like flash bulbs - I need a job, I have got no money, our tenancy ends in 11 days, I need to speak to my Dad....

It is at this point that I should get out of bed, take a shower and have something to eat...this is what I've been told to do by the people with whom I have met from a mental health centre. I know this, but what I actually do is the complete opposite. I lie in bed and let my thoughts spiral out of control.......why don't I just go to the airport and get a flight somewhere warm? I could get a bar job....nah, I should just go down to the Job Centre and get ANY job, why don't I run away to Devon?....

When I finally get up my thoughts have invariably have turned bleak - it is hard to even admit some of the things that go through my mind. I have a shower, eat something (2 cheese rolls which I devour in a manner fitting of a caveman!) and then do a few 'tasks' that I promised my girldfriend I would do. Feeling slightly calmer I go on to the internet and search 'immediate start jobs' in google...I click on site after site at a frenetic pace. The desperation has taken over, I feel uneasy, I need to get out of here...I close the PC down, grab a book and put it in my bag, put on my shoes, leave the house, get on my bike and cycle.

A did about a 10 mile circuit and even overtook another cyclist...! I feel a little sense of achievement...I have done nothing proactive, but I did SOMETHING with my day.....