2 days of work down...2 to go until the weekend.
I have very mixed feelings...although I obviously feel better for actually working, I am still a nervous wreck at certain times in the day. At these times I do try to rationalise my thoughts, keep telling myself that I have only been at my Dad's business for 2 days and not to expect 'great things'. The reality is that I have gone from 8 years working in an office environment to labouring on a timber yard - its quite a culture shock in more ways than one!
I have made a number of mistakes and I know I shouldn't give myself a hard time about it...but I do. This mind set has nothing to do with my current mental state - I always get frustrated when I make mistakes/don't understand things straight away - this frustration is just intensified to a point where I want to run off...
When I'm at my worst it helps me to take a break from what I am doing; go for a walk or simply take some deep breaths. It's common sense really...a characteristic that I find myself somewhat lacking in at the moment.
Wednesday 18 May 2011
Monday 16 May 2011
My Girlfriend
I owe her so much but give her so little; she tells me that she wouldn't be able to cope if we split up, but I keep thinking that our relationship is only surviving because she fears what I'd do if she broke up with me.
She is helping me through my second bout of depression of our 18 month relationship - I have worked out that I have been in the fog for about half our time together. I have had some of the best times of my life with her, even in my darkest days she has given me strength and made me smile.
After a whole day of moving house I broke down last night...after she said she wanted to take me out for 'Our Last Supper' at our favourite local Indian Restaurant. I cried because I would have loved to have taken her out - she deserved to be taken out. My dream is to take her to Rio De Janeiro for her birthday, that will be my moviation when I get out of bed for work tomrrow morning....
She is helping me through my second bout of depression of our 18 month relationship - I have worked out that I have been in the fog for about half our time together. I have had some of the best times of my life with her, even in my darkest days she has given me strength and made me smile.
After a whole day of moving house I broke down last night...after she said she wanted to take me out for 'Our Last Supper' at our favourite local Indian Restaurant. I cried because I would have loved to have taken her out - she deserved to be taken out. My dream is to take her to Rio De Janeiro for her birthday, that will be my moviation when I get out of bed for work tomrrow morning....
Moving House...
I have moved house this weekend...finding myself at my 7th address in just 3 years...I definitely wouldn't recommend this nomadic existence to anyone!
I am now completely skint and am living out of my girlfriends bedroom (at her parents' house)...it's a good job my libido is non-existent at the minute. On the plus side after finally admiting to my parents about losing my job, my Dad has offered me some work at his business. I've got a 08.00 start tomorrow morning; which is going to test me as I don't think I've manged a pre-08.00 start for about a month.
I'm feeling quite calm at the minute but I am very fearful of my morning mood....I don't want to let anyone down anymore so I've got to make it to my Dad's place in time...I will post how I get on tomorrow night.
I am now completely skint and am living out of my girlfriends bedroom (at her parents' house)...it's a good job my libido is non-existent at the minute. On the plus side after finally admiting to my parents about losing my job, my Dad has offered me some work at his business. I've got a 08.00 start tomorrow morning; which is going to test me as I don't think I've manged a pre-08.00 start for about a month.
I'm feeling quite calm at the minute but I am very fearful of my morning mood....I don't want to let anyone down anymore so I've got to make it to my Dad's place in time...I will post how I get on tomorrow night.
Wednesday 11 May 2011
Explosion
When I spoke to another sufferer about depression, that's how they described it - like an explosion in your head. I could certainly relate to this simile - so many things whizzing through your mind at the same time - unfortunately this is how I'm feeling this morning.
I'm going to try using the CBT techniques I have learnt, otherwise I might as well right today off.
I'm going to try using the CBT techniques I have learnt, otherwise I might as well right today off.
Tuesday 10 May 2011
Tuesday
This may seem an odd thing to say...but not working is difficult! Apart from a few days/weeks here and there I have been in full time employment since the age of 18...for eight years. The work-free days are long and hard - there is so much I could do with this 'free time' if I had a clear mind and an unlimited cash supply....unfortunately I have neither. My confusion and anxiety are at their worst in the day and despite getting a 4 week sick note from the doctor I have yet to claim unemployment benefit...partly because I don't exactly know how to and partly because of the stigma associated with people on benefits.
I think it's a combination personal pride and human nature that I want to work. I have again searched for jobs today, sending my CV to a couple of agencies about jobs. I found writing a simple sentence in the body of the email to be a promblematic experience so whether I could handle a 9-5 is debatable.
On the plus side I cooked a chicken pie for tea (some may refer to this meal as 'dinner'?!) and it was very tasty - I thank Jamie Oliver for his assistance. The sun has disappeared and night is decending - I feel a lot calmer now......I always do at night.
I think it's a combination personal pride and human nature that I want to work. I have again searched for jobs today, sending my CV to a couple of agencies about jobs. I found writing a simple sentence in the body of the email to be a promblematic experience so whether I could handle a 9-5 is debatable.
On the plus side I cooked a chicken pie for tea (some may refer to this meal as 'dinner'?!) and it was very tasty - I thank Jamie Oliver for his assistance. The sun has disappeared and night is decending - I feel a lot calmer now......I always do at night.
Monday 9 May 2011
I'm Back...
I survived the weekend through a mix of coping strategies...keeping myself busy and 'acting' were high on the agenda. I would be lying if I said that I had been miserable all weekend - I definitely had some good moments and I have impressed even myself by playing three 90 minutes football matches in 72 hours!!
Today though I feel a bit lost again - all the people in the 'real world' have gone to work and although I have kept myself relatively busy (loaded my car ready for the tip, done some washing, washed up, etc) I have that sinking feeling again. I do feel embarrassed about not working...at the same time, though I also know deep down that I am not ready....
'Stay with it' and 'You are getting better ' I keep telling myself...I'm not sure I am doing either but then again it is difficult to measure if you are improving or not. Anyway I need to take a shower cos I haven't washed since burning mine and girlfriends bank statements from 1999...long story!
Today though I feel a bit lost again - all the people in the 'real world' have gone to work and although I have kept myself relatively busy (loaded my car ready for the tip, done some washing, washed up, etc) I have that sinking feeling again. I do feel embarrassed about not working...at the same time, though I also know deep down that I am not ready....
'Stay with it' and 'You are getting better ' I keep telling myself...I'm not sure I am doing either but then again it is difficult to measure if you are improving or not. Anyway I need to take a shower cos I haven't washed since burning mine and girlfriends bank statements from 1999...long story!
Thursday 5 May 2011
2nd Post
My first post was a brief introduction - a 'previously on My Battle' if you like.
Today, Thursday 05/05/11 has been another day of confusion, worry and (to be perfectly honest) desperation. I woke up to my girlfriends alarm clock - a peculiar mobile phone alarm tune - I hugged her and felt happy. That brief moment when I wake each morning is one of the few times I still enjoy, when I feel like myself, my old self. But then it hits me...reality. Thoughts race through my mind like flash bulbs - I need a job, I have got no money, our tenancy ends in 11 days, I need to speak to my Dad....
It is at this point that I should get out of bed, take a shower and have something to eat...this is what I've been told to do by the people with whom I have met from a mental health centre. I know this, but what I actually do is the complete opposite. I lie in bed and let my thoughts spiral out of control.......why don't I just go to the airport and get a flight somewhere warm? I could get a bar job....nah, I should just go down to the Job Centre and get ANY job, why don't I run away to Devon?....
When I finally get up my thoughts have invariably have turned bleak - it is hard to even admit some of the things that go through my mind. I have a shower, eat something (2 cheese rolls which I devour in a manner fitting of a caveman!) and then do a few 'tasks' that I promised my girldfriend I would do. Feeling slightly calmer I go on to the internet and search 'immediate start jobs' in google...I click on site after site at a frenetic pace. The desperation has taken over, I feel uneasy, I need to get out of here...I close the PC down, grab a book and put it in my bag, put on my shoes, leave the house, get on my bike and cycle.
A did about a 10 mile circuit and even overtook another cyclist...! I feel a little sense of achievement...I have done nothing proactive, but I did SOMETHING with my day.....
Today, Thursday 05/05/11 has been another day of confusion, worry and (to be perfectly honest) desperation. I woke up to my girlfriends alarm clock - a peculiar mobile phone alarm tune - I hugged her and felt happy. That brief moment when I wake each morning is one of the few times I still enjoy, when I feel like myself, my old self. But then it hits me...reality. Thoughts race through my mind like flash bulbs - I need a job, I have got no money, our tenancy ends in 11 days, I need to speak to my Dad....
It is at this point that I should get out of bed, take a shower and have something to eat...this is what I've been told to do by the people with whom I have met from a mental health centre. I know this, but what I actually do is the complete opposite. I lie in bed and let my thoughts spiral out of control.......why don't I just go to the airport and get a flight somewhere warm? I could get a bar job....nah, I should just go down to the Job Centre and get ANY job, why don't I run away to Devon?....
When I finally get up my thoughts have invariably have turned bleak - it is hard to even admit some of the things that go through my mind. I have a shower, eat something (2 cheese rolls which I devour in a manner fitting of a caveman!) and then do a few 'tasks' that I promised my girldfriend I would do. Feeling slightly calmer I go on to the internet and search 'immediate start jobs' in google...I click on site after site at a frenetic pace. The desperation has taken over, I feel uneasy, I need to get out of here...I close the PC down, grab a book and put it in my bag, put on my shoes, leave the house, get on my bike and cycle.
A did about a 10 mile circuit and even overtook another cyclist...! I feel a little sense of achievement...I have done nothing proactive, but I did SOMETHING with my day.....
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